A Period of Self Reflection amongst Exam Mayhem

Guess I just had to do this, huh. In the middle of the friggin' exams...

Life hasn't been kind to me lately. Yet I consider myself more fortunate than most on absolute terms.

Still, sometimes my head can be my own demon. Conquered it many times, yet there is still a dark shadow still lingering somewhere. I am afraid to face it. I don't know this darkness, and I don't know what will happen to me should I succumb to the darkness which I don't know.

Ever since this semester, I've been telling myself that I'd strike a good balance between kendo and studies, but as time went on, it proved impossible, and I can't tell whether it's because of my own volition or because of circumstances that I didn't put enough effort into what I considered to be something I hold dear to me.

In either case, I have had this loose joint injury on my right hand since the start of the year, as a carry-over gift for not blocking a strike properly with the shinai during the annual year-end kendo training camp. Doctor said I had to skip up to 6-8 weeks of kendo to allow this injury to heal. Still, being the stubborn guy I am, I continued training, and it hasn't really healed much.

It doesn't hurt as much now, but whenever I swing the shinai now and then, the same intense pain still comes back. Is this injury gonna be permanent? I don't know.

I don't have many people I'd call friends so far in my life, unlike most people by my age would have. And kendo discovered me when I was about to go my lowest in life a few months right after I finished NS. Through kendo, I got to know a lot more people who made kendo club look like a kaleidoscope of different personalities and made me feel I belong somewhere. Me who cracks terrible jokes, socially awkward, an adult at the age of 22, yet doesn't know anything about being an adult at all... Sometimes I look at myself and I lament at the mess I am, yet despite all the differences I feel like a part of them. At least for the beginning.

And when the training gets tougher, I find my body difficult to adapt to the faster paced training that was said to characterise kendo. I want to train harder, fight harder, move faster, be stronger... Yet for every training I attend, I find myself always lacking in something. Lack of speed, lack of stamina, lack of zanshin (alertness). With each training I feel that I fall behind further while the others are steadily improving, and my body feels like it can give way anytime soon even before I get to the gikeiko (sparring) towards the end of each training session.

It's almost as if kendo is telling me that I am not suited to do kendo. And I got lousier at maintaining my grades. They started to fall behind by much more than I expected myself to, even though I had a strong personal commitment to the club. It's as though each step of the way, you keep encountering failure, never a single moment of success.

With my training getting more and more irregular because of erratic school work and the stupid unplanned-for project work hours I had to sacrifice training in place for, I now feel I can't keep up with the rest. At all. In terms of camaraderie, I am no longer as close to them - they have their supper groups, chats, etc. And most of them made it into exco. I long to be among their number as well, but sometimes, well...

I feel like a failure sometimes. No, almost everytime I go for kendo. Is that what I came to kendo for? And it is not just kendo - the heavy schoolwork and now the exams have started. And it's always getting more and more hopeless by the day - how do I keep my morale up amidst all these things happening to me?

I ask myself - was it the injury that made me think like this? Or was there something more that I failed to realise all this time during kendo? Or am I just incompetent enough for kendo?

Kendo aside (it was a pretty big part of my university life so far), schoolwork is always never-ending, and it only gets more and more uphill. Always feeling hopeless after each and every tutorial - like the feeling you get that you could've gotten the answer to tutorial question if you used the following solution steps, and yet when you actually do it you can't solve a single question in that week's tutorial.

I smile at my friends, encourage them to continue to stay strong and never give up, but inside I scream.

I scream.

Can I get any better than what I already am? Or am I just gonna be stuck in the rut all the time, falling behind everyone else while they exponentially improve? How will the future turn out to be? Why the hell am I working so hard for? Why do I continue to stay in kendo? Why am I even thinking like this in the first place?

In a time of great uncertainty

It's been a long while.

So recently I've gotten into university, and it's almost the end of the second semester... How time flies. Took up biomedical engineering, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder why the hell I took up such a daunting major. I'm starting to believe I'm going for the wrong major.

Man it's just batshit crazy these days. Nothing but work work and work. First, the EG1109 project on building a truss bridge design was a nice and fresh but epic flop - calculations in the report were error-ridden, and I actually skipped my birthday just to finish up that stuff... Major bummer. And add countless of 4am bedtimes just to produce that.

And then came physics and math, which come relentlessly along with graded programming sit-in labs every 2 weeks. How the hell could anyone understand the use of pointers and master it within such a short time? Physics and math though, it's getting more familiar because we're always doing them whether we like it or not.

With that amount of material, it's hard to believe I'm still alive man.

Can't break now, it's only 2 more weeks to exams.

Uni stress

Just so damn drained everytime I reach home to catch up with tutorials. And the people I know are all over the place, different places, not close with them at all.

Uni life sucks, everyday you wake up this damn early, take the train, then it's the damn cycle again, go for tutorials, do projects, and not even having enough time to study, with kendo practice...

Hmm. Better get back to bed soon, there's still lab reports to submit by tomorrow.

While this blog is left neglected... (May - June 2013)

Well, so it's been about a month or so since my last post. Lots of things happened within this short timespan.

I've moved house - to a slightly smaller flat, and did a few modifications to our house. It was pretty good, I guess. New environment and all - definitely a good place I'd look forward to returning, after a busy day at work ahead. Not too shabby - my sister even has her own room now.

Thing is, even after shifting house, it's all the admin work after the physical shifting that's very troublesome. You need to change your IC address, billing address, and sometimes even NUS correspondence address. It's a whole lot of problems I'd rather not have.

And this is it. I've gotten myself a temporary full-time job, and I have lots of mixed feelings over the stuff I do day in, day out. However, it would seem that I'd be better off with a part-time job instead. I hate having to sit in the office all day long, even when I have a whole lot of stuff to complete.

And red tape. Yes, the dreaded red tape. I hate having to report every single thing to my superiors, even though I understand the need to do it to keep yourself accountable.

Best thing that happened all June was the NUS Engin Camp. Never regretted a single moment of it - I've made a few friends before I even start studying. It's really supposed to be just fun and socialising.

...okay, so I've gotta be honest here. I've never been a person who's good at socialising, never liked crowds, always second-guessing myself, never being able to whole-heartedly put my effort into something that I really want. When I finally decide to go all out, I always end up being in a bigger mess than if I never put in any effort at all.

I hate this kind of life. I want to change. And the things that I tried out in Engin Camp showed me that I don't have to be stuck in my past, and that I am the only one limiting myself. I proved myself wrong when I swam into deep water and held my own. I did a lot of stuff I never did before. I actually held a girl's hands for the first time. Yeah, my previous relationship was a joke - I could never get to muster enough courage to hold her hand in mine, and it lasted for a month. Big joke - I wooed for 3-4 years, and it lasted 1 month.

Yeah, you could just call me evergreen then, if this qualifies.

And besides that and all, I never dared try taking the lead, because since primary school, I got little to no support at all, and as a student I was always grouped with the class outcasts who normally had problems with cooperating or giving ideas at group project assignments. Well, not since Project Work at JC, in which I was lucky enough to get the "dream team" to work with and everyone got an A-grade, which actually counted when it contributed to an extra 10 A-level ranking points that determined whether you could get into a local university or not.

I wanted to change that, but let's just say I didn't get to do that all at once. It's a start, though. I did a little breakdancing on the Finale Night, did a handstand while blindfolded, piggybacked girls, grabbed a ice cone by the cream instead of the cone, among other stuff as well.

"It's all about breaking barriers," I used to hear one of my teachers back in college say. Well, I suppose army really threw me back into a shell with all the bad experiences, and now I'm gonna break outta that shell again. To hell with the past, I'm gonna make a difference now.

My new focus within a bleeding heart

Yeah, so I've been trying to get over that short joke of a "relationship" which left me feeling quite devastated and stupid for a while now. Figured I'd just focus more on the things around me that need me around for, to do things that people actually care about. Things that I can be appreciated and valued for.

And I shall begin with my job. I spend my time fiddling around with tech, Internet research and digging for contact details, meddling with clientale databases and the like, as well as making targeted marketing calls. It's the stuff that brings me the dough, and well... It's about the only thing I have left worth doing in my life at this point, given the way things went shittier and shittier in my life, and also to keep my mind busy to stop thinking of her...

A memory wipe is impossible unless I knock my head against the wall or have someone clobber me from behind, but the act of channeling all my helplessness, that silent despair, into energy to fuel my determination to work seems to be working well so far. I keep telling myself I have no time to think myself crazy for something that wasn't meant to be. She gave me up - I can't give myself up now, or risk never being able to stand up again.

I will work. I will not allow myself to be so readily available ever again. I will make myself busy, do something productive. If she isn't gonna appreciate my efforts then I'm going to find someone - or something - which can show the fruits of my labour and perseverance. I will strive to be the best, and hopefully that will take enough time off to heal from that pain.

Oh my God, are you serious?

Nothing probably spells heartbroken more than a girl you've spent wooing for the past 2-3 years and then sticking it in your face saying that we shoud be just stay as friends after talking about possibilities of a relationship blossoming.

I mean, how could something like this happen?

Tough luck, it just did. And it's a hell of a joke telling others you got into a relationship like that and it's sorta like game-over because it could only last for a month, and breaking up just because of something like not replying to messages sent over Whatsapp or something like that. It's not a game.

Just simply because of not replying to messages doesn't mean I don't care about what the other party says. And it most certainly does not mean that the person is not important to me. And it hurts pretty badly when you've done it all - put other friendships forged in the army on the line and getting a bad reputation for it, just so you could celebrate her birthday in the best manner possible within my means. And worst of all is saying that we should just be friends because she doesn't wanna risk hurting me. What the fuck?

We all make mistakes, we all do. We hurt each other in the process sometimes, sometimes little, sometimes a lot. I'm pretty disappointed that she is simply running away because of this one mistake that I've did for the past few months. That isn't really ignoring - not when I start off with another topic and we chat normally as though I didn't notice I didn't reply. And hey, everyday things like bathing, eating and doing random stuff isn't really updating - that's overtweeting. Oh, I can go on and continue to butter her up and say this in a nicer way, but hey. Using the phone at the most inappropriate times like in the middle of a vocal conversation is a little uh... disturbing. You'd wonder if there was a real emergency or she doesn't really wanna listen to your bla-bla-yadda-yadda. Whatsapp or tweeting?

And I most certainly can't always Whatsapp or Skype at any possible opportunity when I'm off work too. After a hard day's work, can't a man have some time off at some entertainment at the computer, watching some random anime, listening to music, read some news without constantly having to reply to Whatsapps with both hands and full attention at his phone?

I'm sorry I can't update as often, but when I do I'll update as much as I can, in good time. Is that a lot to ask?

And going back to being friends because you don't wanna risk hurting me? Exams first before everything else? That's being selfish. It hurts.

And saying that there are a lot more opportunities in university for better girls right after saying all that, and all other stuff, just hoping to push me away? That hurts. I ain't some kind of forbidden fruit that you shun away. Are you telling me I am? It hurts.

And cracking a April Fool's joke just while I'm feeling my worst isn't helping, and expecting me to talk normally like friends should right after the April Fool's joke? Fuck off. You actually serious about me actually going back to the way things once were, right about 2-3 years ago? It's most certainly not funny. I ain't that emotionally strong. And you just crumbled that down, thank you very much. And it hurts.

Very well then. Stay as friends. Stay on the fence, and see where it'll take you. You'll get into deep trouble if you sit on the fence too long and it starts collapsing.

I never really talked much with friends unless I can be sure I can place my trust in them. And I certainly don't talk much to people who put this much hurt in me. Not until I can get over the hurt, at least, yet even then the scar will be there.

They say time will heal all wounds, yet scars remain. I just hope it will be long enough so I won't get to touch this scar, and I most certainly hope when it heals, it won't be so terrible it would bleed at the slightest touch. Until then I ain't talking to her.

Hatred? No, that's too much. What's there to hate about her? Hatred kills.

Apathy then? I can't bring myself to do that, I still care about her. She still means a lot to me. But I can't talk to her now because it'd make me bleed at any slight stretch, push or pull.

ORD LO! Time to stand toe to toe with harsh reality

It's finally the time I've been waiting for. Finally ORD. And enjoying every single moment of it.

For a start, shortly after 1 week after ORD, I got myself signed up for driving lessons, and now I'm multitasking between studying driving theory and doing my best in my new job I got at Pacific Conferences, just earlier this Thursday. Awesome. Now I'm getting somewhere. And soon it'll be my 21st birthday, and the day after will be a 3 days 2 nights holiday out at sea at Star Cruises. How's that?

Sure, everyone's asking me the same question - will I miss those days in army? Yup, but being civilian is waaaaaaaayyyy better than being some random grunt in the army. In the past, I had to do lots of shit in the army, and being paid $650 a month as a NSF Corporal didn't help much. Now I'm earning twice that amount, which would probably make my own personal finances a bit healthier and much more financially independent. Well, at least until I go to uni anyways...

I hate having to ask people for money, even more so from my own family. After all that money disputes arising from my father's problem gambling in the past, I decided that enough is enough. Nobody controls my finances unless I allow them to directly intervene, and I most certainly ain't gonna give away my financial independence this easily. I will make sure I clear my family from debt - one way or another, even if it takes years. I used to spend heavily during my teenage years, now it's time to make a difference for the sake of my family.

Sigh, this gotta mean I'll never be able to see a bank balance healthy enough for me to buy a flat or car or raise a family of my own. Even if it does, it'll take years, and by the time I eke out a decent living, everyone else would be already having their own businesses, wealth and the like... Still, one thing at a time. No rest for the wicked. Chiong all out for survival, or die trying.