Uni stress

Just so damn drained everytime I reach home to catch up with tutorials. And the people I know are all over the place, different places, not close with them at all.

Uni life sucks, everyday you wake up this damn early, take the train, then it's the damn cycle again, go for tutorials, do projects, and not even having enough time to study, with kendo practice...

Hmm. Better get back to bed soon, there's still lab reports to submit by tomorrow.

While this blog is left neglected... (May - June 2013)

Well, so it's been about a month or so since my last post. Lots of things happened within this short timespan.

I've moved house - to a slightly smaller flat, and did a few modifications to our house. It was pretty good, I guess. New environment and all - definitely a good place I'd look forward to returning, after a busy day at work ahead. Not too shabby - my sister even has her own room now.

Thing is, even after shifting house, it's all the admin work after the physical shifting that's very troublesome. You need to change your IC address, billing address, and sometimes even NUS correspondence address. It's a whole lot of problems I'd rather not have.

And this is it. I've gotten myself a temporary full-time job, and I have lots of mixed feelings over the stuff I do day in, day out. However, it would seem that I'd be better off with a part-time job instead. I hate having to sit in the office all day long, even when I have a whole lot of stuff to complete.

And red tape. Yes, the dreaded red tape. I hate having to report every single thing to my superiors, even though I understand the need to do it to keep yourself accountable.

Best thing that happened all June was the NUS Engin Camp. Never regretted a single moment of it - I've made a few friends before I even start studying. It's really supposed to be just fun and socialising.

...okay, so I've gotta be honest here. I've never been a person who's good at socialising, never liked crowds, always second-guessing myself, never being able to whole-heartedly put my effort into something that I really want. When I finally decide to go all out, I always end up being in a bigger mess than if I never put in any effort at all.

I hate this kind of life. I want to change. And the things that I tried out in Engin Camp showed me that I don't have to be stuck in my past, and that I am the only one limiting myself. I proved myself wrong when I swam into deep water and held my own. I did a lot of stuff I never did before. I actually held a girl's hands for the first time. Yeah, my previous relationship was a joke - I could never get to muster enough courage to hold her hand in mine, and it lasted for a month. Big joke - I wooed for 3-4 years, and it lasted 1 month.

Yeah, you could just call me evergreen then, if this qualifies.

And besides that and all, I never dared try taking the lead, because since primary school, I got little to no support at all, and as a student I was always grouped with the class outcasts who normally had problems with cooperating or giving ideas at group project assignments. Well, not since Project Work at JC, in which I was lucky enough to get the "dream team" to work with and everyone got an A-grade, which actually counted when it contributed to an extra 10 A-level ranking points that determined whether you could get into a local university or not.

I wanted to change that, but let's just say I didn't get to do that all at once. It's a start, though. I did a little breakdancing on the Finale Night, did a handstand while blindfolded, piggybacked girls, grabbed a ice cone by the cream instead of the cone, among other stuff as well.

"It's all about breaking barriers," I used to hear one of my teachers back in college say. Well, I suppose army really threw me back into a shell with all the bad experiences, and now I'm gonna break outta that shell again. To hell with the past, I'm gonna make a difference now.

My new focus within a bleeding heart

Yeah, so I've been trying to get over that short joke of a "relationship" which left me feeling quite devastated and stupid for a while now. Figured I'd just focus more on the things around me that need me around for, to do things that people actually care about. Things that I can be appreciated and valued for.

And I shall begin with my job. I spend my time fiddling around with tech, Internet research and digging for contact details, meddling with clientale databases and the like, as well as making targeted marketing calls. It's the stuff that brings me the dough, and well... It's about the only thing I have left worth doing in my life at this point, given the way things went shittier and shittier in my life, and also to keep my mind busy to stop thinking of her...

A memory wipe is impossible unless I knock my head against the wall or have someone clobber me from behind, but the act of channeling all my helplessness, that silent despair, into energy to fuel my determination to work seems to be working well so far. I keep telling myself I have no time to think myself crazy for something that wasn't meant to be. She gave me up - I can't give myself up now, or risk never being able to stand up again.

I will work. I will not allow myself to be so readily available ever again. I will make myself busy, do something productive. If she isn't gonna appreciate my efforts then I'm going to find someone - or something - which can show the fruits of my labour and perseverance. I will strive to be the best, and hopefully that will take enough time off to heal from that pain.

Oh my God, are you serious?

Nothing probably spells heartbroken more than a girl you've spent wooing for the past 2-3 years and then sticking it in your face saying that we shoud be just stay as friends after talking about possibilities of a relationship blossoming.

I mean, how could something like this happen?

Tough luck, it just did. And it's a hell of a joke telling others you got into a relationship like that and it's sorta like game-over because it could only last for a month, and breaking up just because of something like not replying to messages sent over Whatsapp or something like that. It's not a game.

Just simply because of not replying to messages doesn't mean I don't care about what the other party says. And it most certainly does not mean that the person is not important to me. And it hurts pretty badly when you've done it all - put other friendships forged in the army on the line and getting a bad reputation for it, just so you could celebrate her birthday in the best manner possible within my means. And worst of all is saying that we should just be friends because she doesn't wanna risk hurting me. What the fuck?

We all make mistakes, we all do. We hurt each other in the process sometimes, sometimes little, sometimes a lot. I'm pretty disappointed that she is simply running away because of this one mistake that I've did for the past few months. That isn't really ignoring - not when I start off with another topic and we chat normally as though I didn't notice I didn't reply. And hey, everyday things like bathing, eating and doing random stuff isn't really updating - that's overtweeting. Oh, I can go on and continue to butter her up and say this in a nicer way, but hey. Using the phone at the most inappropriate times like in the middle of a vocal conversation is a little uh... disturbing. You'd wonder if there was a real emergency or she doesn't really wanna listen to your bla-bla-yadda-yadda. Whatsapp or tweeting?

And I most certainly can't always Whatsapp or Skype at any possible opportunity when I'm off work too. After a hard day's work, can't a man have some time off at some entertainment at the computer, watching some random anime, listening to music, read some news without constantly having to reply to Whatsapps with both hands and full attention at his phone?

I'm sorry I can't update as often, but when I do I'll update as much as I can, in good time. Is that a lot to ask?

And going back to being friends because you don't wanna risk hurting me? Exams first before everything else? That's being selfish. It hurts.

And saying that there are a lot more opportunities in university for better girls right after saying all that, and all other stuff, just hoping to push me away? That hurts. I ain't some kind of forbidden fruit that you shun away. Are you telling me I am? It hurts.

And cracking a April Fool's joke just while I'm feeling my worst isn't helping, and expecting me to talk normally like friends should right after the April Fool's joke? Fuck off. You actually serious about me actually going back to the way things once were, right about 2-3 years ago? It's most certainly not funny. I ain't that emotionally strong. And you just crumbled that down, thank you very much. And it hurts.

Very well then. Stay as friends. Stay on the fence, and see where it'll take you. You'll get into deep trouble if you sit on the fence too long and it starts collapsing.

I never really talked much with friends unless I can be sure I can place my trust in them. And I certainly don't talk much to people who put this much hurt in me. Not until I can get over the hurt, at least, yet even then the scar will be there.

They say time will heal all wounds, yet scars remain. I just hope it will be long enough so I won't get to touch this scar, and I most certainly hope when it heals, it won't be so terrible it would bleed at the slightest touch. Until then I ain't talking to her.

Hatred? No, that's too much. What's there to hate about her? Hatred kills.

Apathy then? I can't bring myself to do that, I still care about her. She still means a lot to me. But I can't talk to her now because it'd make me bleed at any slight stretch, push or pull.

ORD LO! Time to stand toe to toe with harsh reality

It's finally the time I've been waiting for. Finally ORD. And enjoying every single moment of it.

For a start, shortly after 1 week after ORD, I got myself signed up for driving lessons, and now I'm multitasking between studying driving theory and doing my best in my new job I got at Pacific Conferences, just earlier this Thursday. Awesome. Now I'm getting somewhere. And soon it'll be my 21st birthday, and the day after will be a 3 days 2 nights holiday out at sea at Star Cruises. How's that?

Sure, everyone's asking me the same question - will I miss those days in army? Yup, but being civilian is waaaaaaaayyyy better than being some random grunt in the army. In the past, I had to do lots of shit in the army, and being paid $650 a month as a NSF Corporal didn't help much. Now I'm earning twice that amount, which would probably make my own personal finances a bit healthier and much more financially independent. Well, at least until I go to uni anyways...

I hate having to ask people for money, even more so from my own family. After all that money disputes arising from my father's problem gambling in the past, I decided that enough is enough. Nobody controls my finances unless I allow them to directly intervene, and I most certainly ain't gonna give away my financial independence this easily. I will make sure I clear my family from debt - one way or another, even if it takes years. I used to spend heavily during my teenage years, now it's time to make a difference for the sake of my family.

Sigh, this gotta mean I'll never be able to see a bank balance healthy enough for me to buy a flat or car or raise a family of my own. Even if it does, it'll take years, and by the time I eke out a decent living, everyone else would be already having their own businesses, wealth and the like... Still, one thing at a time. No rest for the wicked. Chiong all out for survival, or die trying.

Time is not on our side

Just the other day, on a fine Saturday, I figured it was too darned boring at home, and it ain't helping that I'm still worrying over whether I'll be able to hold a decent office admin temporary job for the next few months after I ORD and before university school term starts. So I asked Mom out for a jalan-jalan session to the airport.

Of all places, the airport. Hmm... Maybe it's just that the airport was just about the perfect place to work in if I were to hold a job as a Starbucks or Coffee Bean barista - I'd be able to talk to many people from many other places and countries, learn about stuff and so on... In any case, we were about to set off when my grandma wanted to tag along too. Welcome to the party, grandma!

...only that due to her old age and weak legs, she can't travel that far. I guess age has taken a heavy toll on her legs - she can't climb stairs as well as she used to, the way she does like about 10-odd years ago. Dilemma soon popped up - she hasn't gone to the outside world for about as long as I can remember, other than that she travels back and forth from her lonely 2-room flat in Chai Chee to our house in Tampines, and occasionally puts up at my 4th uncle's place at Woodland. Yet even then, she takes his lorry to and fro, so she doesn't really move around much except stay at home.

So in the end, we went Tampines Mall instead - easier on her in terms of travel time and there's no lack of stuff to see as well. Gotta admit, being on her own at such an old age without being able to move around much has its inconveniences and she's missing out a lot more than we'd expect. She needed this trip to freshen up and feel young again - if even only for a short moment.

And after a while, we dropped by Old Malaya Cafe and had prawn noodles at that place. Nice cafe, with all that rustic furniture that resembled kampung days, it seemed like the perfect spot for a revered old grandma to take a rest from those walking and looking at all those oh-that's-all-so-new thingamajigs that make up today's retail outlets in our shopping malls today.

And so it was, we hung around and had a little three-generation chat, and then proceeded to bring our good grandma to the rooftop water features at Tampines 1. Along the way, she had to hobble here and there, move around against waves of people moving in the opposite direction, and climb stairs really slowly, with both legs resting on the same step first before moving on to the next...

Just observing her trying to move around with so much effort, wanting to look at the things around her, see how much the world around her has changed, I couldn't help but think - is this the way everyone else would have to be? Grow old, and then suddenly find themselves unable to do even the most mundane of things, to the point that even walking around seems to be a problem without a walking stick (she used an umbrella instead, says it's too obvious if people saw her using a walking stick).

Then it occurred to me - time is definitely not on our side. It ticks past us so mercilessly, yet so stealthily that we don't realise that hey, 30 minutes have passed. Next thing we know, we're already weeks past this event, that incident, bla bla bla... And when you realised it, the glory years of your life are already gone, and what's left is but a weathered body and a weary soul, wanting to accomplish much but is just unable to do them.

So here it is, looking at the kids running around the water feature having the time of their lives in their swimsuits, having the rooftop wind around the area didn't seem like a bad idea at all. Especially if it took such a simple day to bring forward a lesson to teach us to make the most use of our time in our lives to accomplish great things that we would otherwise have never bothered to if we procrastinated.

Seize the moment, and do the things you want to do most, for when you grow old, you will look back at those times and say "Hey, back in the day, I did this, I did that, bla bla bla..." and leave something behind for your future generations to look at, and have some achievement in your life to be proud of, be it big or small.

A meal from a rundown place

It was a terrible traffic Friday last week, what with terrible weather as well, so as usual, we either had to wait it out, let the heavy rain stop or get smaller before going back home on the bus, or hire the taxi. You know how it goes... Everyone calls at peak hours, and Kim Fook and I tried almost all the cab hire numbers already and nobody was picking up. So nope, we had to wait it out instead. Lousy luck.

And then the idea hit me. What about this ulu area just outside camp? We could go eat there and get some coins from the change for bus fare. Ok lah, steady go!

Place is damn rundown, like the old kampung buildings of the 60s and 70s, not too shabby but could use some maintenance. Ah what am I saying, this place isn't seeing a lot of customers anymore. Well maybe it used to be a hotspot back when Seletar Camp used to be way bigger than what it is today...

That being said, their nasi briyani is not too bad, delicious in fact. Hardly the kind you'd expect from a rundown place. Ironic that it'd be my first time eating there when I'm almost gonna go ORD this coming March. Still, at least I'd be able to tell others that hey, this place still exists in the Singapore map.

 

Just normal coffee-shop fare, and uhh... don't be put off by that half-eaten plate of nasi briyani. Before I remembered to take the photo down, half the mutton was already well moving into my stomach already by the time I realised.

 

 

Man, this place is ancient! Note the spray-paint on the metal sheet at the shack. That's where the coffee-shop is supposed to be, but nuh-uh. It's on the right, where the car is. You can see the doorframe to the coffeeshop from here, and that's exactly what it looks like from the side of the road.

 

 

 

Yet another view of this run-down coffeeshop. Maybe this one looks a little less ulu... 

Chicken Essence and Scratch in the Face

Just got back from swimming. Leg is tired, but hey, that instructor is right - essence of chicken really does keep you warmer in water. Kim Fook had another method, eat a lot of meat for protein before swimming. Funny, I don't get as many cramps on my foot this time. Maybe it's that chicken essence...?

And argh, wherever I go, bad luck always follows. And it's not like I always do stuff like hang underwear over my head or walk around seeing black cats everywhere, you know. It's only my fifth day of using my New HTC Desire X and the screen's scratched for some reason after tossing it into my bag for the swim. Wanted to try squeezing my nutsack for that goddamned scratch to miraculously disappear, but nope, that ain't happening. It'd be making me even more stupid than I already am. Heartache.

A entertainment shrine in my own house...?

Another boring day in camp. One day closer to ORD. Well, at least there's the Annex Room to hang around in. Simply put, this Annex Room is the company mess room. "Why hang around with those dumbfucks at the Yacht (battalion mess hall) when we can do so in our own Annex Room?"

Not probably the best place of choice, but it's about the closest thing to home when you see those sofas and the big TV with the PS3 in this place. Ultimate combo. Enough said. Oddly enough, it's made me think of my future living room.

Okay, maybe not all that odd. When I can afford my small little piece of land in a HDB (highly dangerous building) flat, it's not gonna be all that big and spacious - too much hassle to clean up. But it's gotta be a no-nonsense home theatre with, of course, a PS3. Or whatever newest gaming console there is in the market.

Maybe Mom'll kill me for getting a PS3 during uni period, but heck. It's not like I'll be playing much by the time I get that machine either. Look, I've got a PSP and the games are getting damned boring or insanely difficult. I just wanna have fun. Heck if I'm the lousiest player out there.

With my family shifting house this coming May, I might just get a chance to do so, but there's just something shiok about having your own personal space with the choice to do whatever the hell you want with it, eh?

New phone and data plan

Just wasting time in camp for now. Pretty much the same thing - day in, day out. Not for long. 5 more weeks to ORD. Gotta hang in there.

Just got my new HTC Desire X last week and, gotta say, this phone is a far cry from the old Samsung Galaxy Ace I got. Controls are different, but I like the Beats Audio more than anything else in this phone. And oh, the data network access. Data plan is friggin' addictive.

Only thing though, when I charge it, I gotta first kill all the applications running in the background - damned one time I couldn't get outta the house because I had 17% battery left. The apps sapped more energy than could be charged, apparently. I'll be damned if it happens while I'm off for important stuff in the future, but this is otherwise a good phone that I'll stick around with for a long time. Well, as long as there's no better upgrades for $0 that is. I'm a cheapskate.

Crazy PT week

Like a shag. Shag only.

This week was mainly pissant week - full of muscle soreness, bad luck and well, money flying off to random places into oblivion - not to mention a few KNNBCCBs rocketing in random directions at supersonic speeds.

First there was Muay Thai trial lesson at Liang Court two days ago. It was raining, and I was still too sleepyheaded to care what time I turned up so I went there late.

A bit stupid, really. There wasn't really the need to rush anyway since it turned out to be a tekan-during-chill session. Three minutes of running around the gym, then burpees, then duck walk, then push ups... next thing I knew was that I grabbed that blue stuff you call Ventolin. Pretty bad shit and bad luck, its been almost a year since I last used it. Gives you a nasty dry mouth afterwards but you breathe better.

Next on the menu is the literally menu-reading at Saizeriya nearby. Italian food, mainly pizzas, spaghetti and uh. Escargots. Good juicy fat escargots, but I swear I could've enjoyed the food there better if it wasn't for that spur of the moment that made me want to lose weight and start dieting at a friggin' Italian restaurant that cost me $17 and a half-full stomach with mostly shrimp salad which apparently was a stupid low calorie dish that made me hungry for the rest of the day. A stupid waste of money - looking back, I'd rather grow fat there and then, and do something else about it later.

Maybe there's just something about the Muay Thai that makes you momentarily stupid and unable to think for just that few minutes and giving away cash for raw vegetables when you could be having much more...

Then came swimming - and oh, the pain from doing Muay Thai on sandbags just about started to really squeeze your muscles hard. Sore muscles. Sore only.

Gotta start reporting sick before my legs give way. And no, no handstands or wheelchairs, please.

A New Beginning

A new beginning is probably what I need right now to kickstart my long lost hobby of blogging since a few years ago. Frequent writer's block durig my days as an NSF means I wasn't writing much at all. Hell, much of that experience isn't worth writing anyway - the Army doesn't like people like us giving away free information for obvious security reasons.

But just as well. I'm finishing my military service stint pretty soon, time to write more.

I'm assuming a new identity here - this snow wolf theme probably pretty much sums up my personality at this point in my life, and its probably gonna stick, but oh well. Its good enough to live with, I think.

Pretty much anything goes though, and I can say that up till now my life so far has been pretty unlucky, lousier luck than most people. Still, I ain't dropping dead yet. Perhaps that way I still get to write, damned if I don't. So there, I'm just getting started.